Life is not fair

The scan was clear, meaning the cancer has not spread to my stomach. More tomorrow. It’s late.

Serious stomach pain all night, despite taking three codeine. Either it’s the mother of all ulcers, or the cancer has spread to my stomach. I’m calling the hospital to try and get an appointment ASAP.

I said I’d post yesterday, but I was too tired. The run was torture, but the press-ups afterwards were easier. Took two more Zopiclone, but couldn’t sleep very well (Sleep 8.45, waking: 12.30, 1.30, 3.00 (glass of milk), 4.45, 5.20). I got up eventually at 5.20 and had a couple of glasses of water. I felt tired, but about normal. But when I went back to try dozing again, I ended up rushing for the bathroom with saliva filling the back of my mouth, then spent about five minutes getting rid of the water and the milk.

So, that’s headaches (mild at the moment), nausea, fatigue, some dizziness. Is this due to a combination of insomnia and the side effects of Zopiclone? Or has the tumour woken up? (Two months after being zapped, which kind of sucks.)

Scan on Thursday next week. Counting down the days.

I’ve been having bad insomnia (bad, as in sleeping two hours, then waking up and not sleeping again until 5.30) since Saturday evening. Sunday I felt okay, just tired. But Monday and Tuesday I felt washed out completely: spinning head, some very mild vertigo, tiredness, etc. I tried using sleeping pills (Zopiclone) last night, and I woke up at 4.30, rather than 12.30, but I still feel like death. My stomach also hurts all the time.

So. It could be I’ve picked up some kind of infection; I’ve been sneezing as well, and my body temperature has been fluctating, shivering cold one moment, sweating the next. That would be the good option.

The other option is that the cancer has woken up and started growing again, and that these are the first symptoms of brain inflammation. I have a scan next Thursday, and a clinic appointment a week after that, so I’ll know then.

In the meantime, I’m going to go for a long run (warmly wrapped up), and see what I feel like after that.

I haven’t posted anything for a while, mainly because there’s been nothing much to report. Much as I might dislike it, my life now revolves around the fact that I have cancer. It’s not the whole of my life, but it’s certainly one of the main pivots, along with my family. So, in this case, no new posts meant nothing much to say. (Rather than being unable to say anything.)

I’ve shaken off the last of the somnolence from the WBR. And although I still have insomnia–I wake up every night at around 1.30–I’ve given up on sleeping pills, and I’m feeling much better for it. I’ve stopped taking codeine as well, and although I had headaches for the first couple of days, I now feel much better: no headaches, and my digestion seems to have settled. Drugs are useful for certain things, but they also have various unpleasant side effects. If you can stop them, you should. (YMMV of course.)

On the depression front, my mood has lifted a lot. Mainly, I suspect, because my brain (and its vari0us neurotransmitters) is settling down after being abused by the WBR. But also I’m sure due to exercise: running three times a week*, skipping**, stretching, and working my way through a 100 push up program***. Dopamine is a wonderful thing, and although it may hurt like, well, something very painful, running**** up hills will make you feel great when you finish.

And on a final note, my levels of fitness dropped to frankly fricken pathetic after the operation in April and the subsequent brain tumour fiasco. But today, as I was doing my final block of running, I felt for a short time like I did six months ago: that I was flying over the grass with my feet barely touching the ground and everything working in perfect time–breathing deep, arms swinging, legs pumping.

It was wonderful.

* Walk/run actually. The program I’m following is here. I just finished week 4.

**Don’t laugh. Ask boxers how hard this is. I’m doing 1 minute blocks of rope-jumping with 1 minute rests for a total of 30 minutes. harder than it sounds.

***Current maximum: 6. LOL, sad, right? Mind you, I started at 3, so there has been improvement.

****Actually, jogging while wheezing like a consumptive, but there you go.